Exasperated Emotional See-saws

It's amazing, how people lie - right beneath their very nose.

Yes, i know this is Part-and-parcel of life.
But I can't take this heartwrecking, rejected,
lonesome, and all that makes my mood drastically
change. If this is what it takes to experience life,
Boy. I'll rather never grow up.

If being strangers, knowing each other,
Become the best buddys, drift apart ..
Then turn into strangers, is called - Friendships ..
Then what for do we've friendships?
Why do we friend, when it turns into hurt.
Why do we friend, when things start getting complicated.
Why do we friend, when we forget our old friends.
Why do we friend, when we replace one with another.
Why do we friend, when ...

If you loved someone, yet ain't loved back.
If you didn't love another, yet he loved you.
Why do we love? What's love?
What's love - the one which everyone claim to know,
yet at the same time, seems stranger to everyone?
What's love ...

If you felt this way towards people, yet they misinterpret you.
If you did smth, yet they misunderstood you.
If you wanted to apologise, yet there's no chance.
If you wanted to do so much so much, but it ended.
If you wanted to help, yet wasn't the least appreciated.
What will you do?

If words can never describe all you're feeling, what'd you say?

If when you feel rejected and alone, sad and depress,
moody and lonely.. And you suddenly don't remember
anyone's name - those that'd told you with their heart and soul
to find them in time of need, they'll lend you their shoulders.
Where are they? Why can't you remember any?

... I don't know what's happening.
Maybe I'm being fucktard, once again.
I'm appearing offline. Back to Square One.
That original feeling, so familiar yet so distant.

Maybe, I'm really such a bigbigbig idiot.
The biggest idiot in this planet. I feel like a ugly shit right now.
A shit, just plug right downdowndown deep in the surface of the Earth. Rightdown There. Where No one knows. Pathetic fucking asshole. Okaz , I promise. I won't be so irritating ...
I promise i'll change. I promise, i won't be that girl that i am now.
Often, my intentions backfire. When I do things, people give me the
reactions I least wanted to have. It makes me feel, downright unlovable.
Tomorrow onwards, I hope. I won't be that irritating girl.
Maybe alittle silence will make do. Maybe the change will help.
Maybe, i would change to someone totally different.
Maybe just maybe. Maybe, habits die hard. Maybe I'll never change.

And I can't forget memories. It sticks to me, just like a fragment of my life. Somehow, I've mixed dreams with reality. I'm so sick of what and what's not. Sometimes, I still think back the time of him & me. It's like a nightmare which never ends ... And never awoken. Never forgotten. Like a memory which stays in the head. Lingering till forever. Never ever to be shaken, everything - remembered of so clearly. What would it be like, if we were still tgt? 8months? I know what past is past, but I just can't help but think. For a moment. At a moment. It's not easy, thought it seems. It's not loving or not, it's memories.

Who . Understands?

Maybe, a good night sleep will do me justice.

Sorry. For such a post.

Ps/ Nothing agigtated this outta me.

-Edit-

就算说了又怎样

自己也没开心点

也许一走了之最好，

但我却一点也做不到

Once upon a time, I dreamt of a very happy life.
Then I came to learn being realistic. I dreamt of a satisfied life.
Just a satisfied life, I'm happy.
Yet this dream just remains as a dream.
Never coming to reality. I was pulled back to reality.